This is the day. It’s ma birthday! Shout out to all the Virgos out there (psst, we are amazing right?!). Birthdays are so special. But don’t you find these days to be one the most exciting and one of the most scary days of the year? I mean, it’s no secret that it is a magical day. I think most of the people feel happy and joyful on their birthdays. The attention, surprises, gifts and extra love is what we all secretly desire and finally have an opportunity to get it. But despite all the glitter and bubbles, birthday is a day to reflect, to remember and walk through the years that passed. It is the day to stop and notice how everything changed, what was learned, and finally to think about the future.
I started to think about my birthday a few weeks ago. And as I was thinking what should I get for myself (yes, I buy gifts for myself), I realised that there is one super big present that no money can buy I already gave to myself this year. And I have a feeling that I couldn’t get a better present than this.
Full and unconditional acceptance of who I am.
Let me quickly tell you why I think that is the best gift I will ever have.
Throughout the years I was fighting against who I am. I thought it’s not normal, I should be different, I should be better, I should do more, I should have more, I should be more. It was never enough, it was never right. I was trying to fit in, I was trying to follow rules, I was trying to find out what my family, friends and partners need and to become that person so that I would be good for them. I never knew who I was or what I wanted, it was always what others wanted or expected. A good girl, a good student, a good housekeeper, a perfect partner. The true me was left behind.
I always thought that maybe one day this will be over and I will have a chance to be who I want to be. I had a hope that maybe one day somebody will see that there is a person who wants to be free. I was a dreamer locked in an underground basement. And the idea of being myself and showing my own voice was never a choice.
The resistance that I felt created so many problems. I was angry, I was depressed, I couldn’t make decisions, I was trying to run away, to end that pain that I felt inside. oh… there was so so SO much negativity, trauma and sadness.
I was living in a bubble created of shame, criticism and resentment.
No one should ever live like that!
And I am glad that today I can finally say that I am happy of who I am. Even though it took me just to move to another country, end my relationship, disconnect from everything and everyone I loved, read hundreds of books and articles, watch a lot of videos and start writing a blog to finally reach the state where I am OK with who I am.
Of course it’s not full full full acceptance, I am still on this journey, and I believe that I will be on it for the rest of my life, but for the first time in my life I can say that I feel more myself than ever before. I know who I am and who I am not. I know that I have flaws, bad habits, weak spots, trigger points. There are times when I am angry for no reason, there are times when ego takes over control. I know that I made a lot of mistakes in the past. I know what I would like to change. I do regret some things. I feel ashamed of some things. And I know that there are so many things that I don’t know and I have to learn. I found darkness and light in me. I found a totally different person than I pretended to be. And I am ok with it. I accept myself truly and unconditionally.
I learned that acceptance is the only way to be happy and find love in life. Resisting to what you are creates so much unnecessary struggle and stress, but accepting it creates love and compassion and kindness. It feels like the truth. It feels appropriate and it feels correct.
We were born in a society full of rules and restrictions and we were thought to do things that restrict our full experience. We grow up and our true self is suppressed somewhere in between the rules that our society created. We can’t express ourselves in a way we feel we should be expressing. We do not talk about our feelings and experiences. We create fake identities and hide the one we truly are. There are a lot of people who spend their whole lives by not knowing who they are, just blindly following the rules. But some are lucky enough to see that there is something more beyond the surface and follow the self-love spiritual path to find that lost soul again. To find what they truly are.
The journey to self-acceptance is long, challenging and sometimes very uncomfortable, because you actually have to unlearn the things you learned all your life, and forgive for the things you’ve done or haven’t done. It’s kind of a healing process, but instead of waiting for your wounds to become scars, you have to dig deep and make your hands dirty. It’s painful, it’s messy and it’s disgusting. But it’s supposed to hurt. That’s how you heal.
Accepting yourself means that you are OK with who you are and where you stand now. You are OK with all the actions, behaviors and choices. You don’t blame yourself for your past mistakes. You understand that it’s ok not to know everything. You are not afraid to look silly in front of others. You don’t make excuses. You dream loud. You create and live your own life. You are completely open to learn and to be better every single day.
You accept every single part of yourself. No matter how messy it might seem.
You shine your own light.
I think that’s the most wonderful gift anyone could receive.
I love you!